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| Soccer
participants actually fellate one another. |
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| Soccer
participants are walking advertisements. |
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| France
is successful at participating at soccer. That should say
something, especially to the British. |
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| The
"World" Cup is not the a World's Cup, but a competition
among 32 countries, disproportionately allotted to European
countries. |
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| Soccer
hooligans. |
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| Soccer
is boring. Soccer is absurdly slow. I've had soccer
apologists say with false pride how the average soccer participant
"runs" 4 miles in a game. Newsflash: that means they are
jogging less than 3 miles per hour. Translation: they are mostly
standing around. BORING. |
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| Soccer
participants act like they've been shot - what pussies. Meanwhile,
real athletes like Donovan McNabb or Bobby Baun play on broken
legs. |
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| Soccer
is too simple an activity. |
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| Penalty
kicks. You are determining a winner by a random event
that has no relevance to the rest of the game. It would be as
stupid as replacing extra innings with batting practice. |
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| Fruity
penalty cards. How stupid is it to flash up some card to
indicate the severity of a penalty? Richard Simmons was inspired
to use them in his diet system. Are all penalties the same? Again,
the inability to use the upper torso hampers soccer participants.
Use hand signals, you troglodytes. |
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| Psychotic
fans. The South Korean loser who set himself on fire is
one example. The mental stability of the murderer who killed that
one player because he sucked (free clue: all soccer participants
suck) is another. |
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| Ties:
55% of games are ties. Ties suck. |
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| Why
not use your hands? Or your brain? |
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| Soccer
participants do not bathe. |
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| Soccer
hairdos. |
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| Pompous
pseudo-intellectual Europeans who become soccer fans in order to
convince the populace of their link to the common man. |
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| Soccer
participants with one name. I can understand why your
parents would disown any soccer participant, but they should take
at least any last name. |
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| Soccer
hilites concentrate on what almost happens. When
ESPN has the poor sense to show soccer hilites, they show
missed shots, missed passes, etc. Any real sport shows things that
actually contribute to the result. Soccer participants do not care
about the result. |
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| Soccer
fans justify the activity based entirely on its popularity. Not
only are the reasons why soccer is popular an argument against
soccer, but it really shows how pathetic said activity is when
that is the only argument soccer fans come up with. |
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| The
correct term for 0 is zero, not nil. Take a math class. |
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| Buy
a freaking cup, you pansies. |
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| Soccer
is not objective. There is no play clock. The game
doesn't end after the clock has run down. This adds bias,
subjectivism and appeals to lower intellects, and it destroys the
drama from last second victories. Contrast such clumsy timekeeping
(shame on the Swiss, who should know better) and the lack of any
discernable strategy with the strategic precision of the
two-minute drill in football. |
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| Soccer
is not objective, part two. The lack of offensive chances
leads to ties, which, as we know, suck. Soccer's
"solution?" Let's randomize the result (in those cases
where a tie suddenly becomes an affront, the "World"
Cup) by having penalty kicks. |
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| Soccer
participants on the same team have different jerseys. The
obviously higher intelligence of hockey (goaltender) or football
(offensive linemen) fans and referees is evident, since we don't
need a different uniform to indicate a different privilege in the
rule book. |
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| Soccer
is Third World inexpensive. Ordinarily, this would not be
a problem. Most people don't consider buying hockey or football
equipment expensive in civilized countries, but in the context of
the rest of the world, it is expensive. On the other hand, soccer
is dirt cheap - and by dirt cheap, I mean slum kids in Brazil
rolling up balls of dirt to kick around. |
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| Soccer
apologists say the reason it is not popular in the US is because
it wasn't invented in the US. First, soccer originated
from the North American game called pasuckuakohowog several
hundred years before the British played something resembling it.
Second, basketball was the creation of a Canadian, yet is very
popular in the US. Third, football was the creation of a Canadian,
yet is very popular in the US. |
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| Soccer
apologists say the reason it is not popular in the US is because
the US is not any good at that activity. The US soccer
team won the World Cup in 1991 and 1999. Better find another
reason. |
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| Soccer
apologists say soccer is an athletic activity. Using the
Olympics as a barometer, it is pretty obvious that those countries
that lack athletic prowess (Britain, France) are successful at
soccer. Interesting to note, despite the inclusion of activities
like soccer and walking in the Olympics (and the wrongful
exclusion of football and rodeo), how those countries where soccer
is not popular outperform those countries where soccer is popular
athletically. |
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| Soccer
apologists steal terms from real sports. Hint: a pitch is
something an option QB does. A draw is a running play designed to
counter a strong pass rush. Football is a real sport that involves
athletes in pads and helmets, not sissies playing kickball. |
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| Soccer
has no honor. There are codes of behavior in sports like
hockey, baseball, football and basketball. There is no code of
behavior in the activity of soccer: the penis biting should make
this fairly obvious. |
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| Soccer
markets to Nazis - even today. Umbro markets Zyklon, a
type of shoe, to soccer participants. Zyklon was the name of the
gas used to kill Jews in WWII. |
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| Soccer
uses witch doctors. The same simplistic mentality that
avails itself to soccer avails itself to primal mysticism. |
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| Soccer
idiots overexaggerate everything. Yeah, soccer deserves a
Nobel Prize. Better load up on the security for that award
presentation, because soccer deserves it less than terrorists like
Arafat. Yeah, a soccer game is a wondrous event in your nation's
history. Granted, these nations still have to master indoor
plumbing, but please - stop the hallucinogenics, now. |
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| Soccer
fans actually set themselves on fire. That's a pretty
good barometer judging the mentality of soccer fans. |
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| Soccer
cheering has no point. Football fans successfully cause
opposing teams' offenses to call timeouts, use up the play clock,
screw up audibles or cause procedure penalties. Ask Burt Hooton
whether baseball fans affect an opponent's performance. Soccer?
They sing songs - which all sound the same - regardless of
outcome. It doesn't celebrate performance. It doesn't serve to
intimidate. It has no purpose. |
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| Soccer
counts time up. Soccer games count the time that has
elapsed, rather than the time remaining. This is stupid for a
number of reasons. First, soccer games don't refer to time anyway,
so why even keep it? Second, why the concern on the past? The
score already reflects all important information of what has
already happened in the game. In soccer, this is most likely
irrelevant anyway, since the score is most likely 0-0, er, nil,
nil. The focus should be on the result - which depends on the
future. Thus, time should count down. Can you imagine NASA
counting up (from, say, when JFK made his speech about landing on
the moon in a decade)? How stupid would that be? |
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soccersucks.net
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