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Soccer Quotes

"It was with a homosexual"
-Pele, on losing his virginity.


"Soccer is the only sport (sic) where you can tune in to the middle of a match, watch for 30 seconds and not have any idea which direction each team is going."

- Vijay Ramanujan


"Soccer is like 90 minutes of foreplay, [f]ollowed by two weeks of, 'Wow, that was almost good sex.'"

- Paul M. Parks


"Soccer is like needing to get a boil lanced on your anal sphincter but the doctor tells you that you are allergic to the anesthetic. You'll do anything just to get it over."

- David Barnes


"If I'd just paid money to watch a soccer game, I'd want to kill someone too (once the buzz wore off and I realized where I was, because the only thing that would make me pay to watch a soccer game is perhaps a half gallon of whiskey)."

- Tom O'Brien


"The human body has arms, hands, shoulders, and a brain - why can't you incorporate these into your sport (sic) of soccer?"

- John Leinaweaver


"Americans get pummeled every few years for knowing and caring so little about the "world's game," but that's the world's problem, not ours. We're the nation with an embarrassing array of options, and that is a blessing that will never be confused with a curse. The U.S. loses to Germany on Friday, we'll get up from the table, walk across the room and check the box scores to see if Luis Castillo kept that hit streak going for the Marlins."

- Mark Kreidler


"There's no honor in soccer"

- Alex Lalas, soccer participant


"Message to all rioters: put down your brick, put away the spray paint, and leave the cop cars alone; you're acting like soccer fans! It's embarrassing."

- Jim Rome


"The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? There's a good reason why you don't care about soccer - it's because you are an American and hating soccer is more American than mom's apple pie, driving a pick-up and spending Saturday afternoon channel-surfing with the remote control

- Tom Weir


"All that proves is that most of the world is too poor to build bowling alleys, golf courses, tennis courts and baseball fields. There's hundreds of millions of poor people out there who still ain't got indoor plumbing, but that don't mean there's something great about an outhouse. Soccer is boring. I've never seen a more boring sport (sic)."

- Mike Royko


"Twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball."  

- Jim Murray


"What is the World Cup anyway? Some kind of athletic protector for the planet?"

- Bill Edwards


"Why is it that in professional soccer the player who is gravely injured and gets carried off the pitch (sic) on a stretcher is back in the game in less than five minutes?"

- Randy van der Woning


"He's not Rivaldo, he's revolting." 

- Don Cherry


"No, soccer is dull as dishwater and just because it stops camel traffic in Saudi Arabia doesn't mean we have to fall in line."

- Robert Tychkowski


"It was with a homosexual, I was barely 14 years old. But let's be fair, I wasn't the only one who did it. He was a man in Bauru that all our team visited."

- Pele, soccer participant, on losing his virginity


"The score is Sunderland nil (zero), Leicester nil (zero), the temperature is nil (32 degrees) and the entertainment value is not much above nil (zero)"

- Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live


"If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi"

- Lewis Grizzard