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| 1.It
appeals to collectivism. Most of the world has collectivist
governments, and many people throughout the world seek to group
themselves based on nationality and race. Hence, once the
"World" Cup comes around, jackbooted fans seek to wrap
themselves around the flag. Thus, we see soccer's popularity in
collectivist Europe and unpopular in North America. Soccer is the
world's most popular "sport?" First, soccer is not a
sport, it is an activity. Second, who cares? Twenty years ago,
communism was the most popular form of government. The Nazis
received a plurality of the vote in 1933. And they all were wrong.
Is the rationale for being a soccer fan due to what some other
idiot opines? |
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2. It is a cheap activity to
undertake. This appeals to the lesser-developed nations that
play soccer, viz., most of them. To play a game of football,
you need at least 22 sets of pads and helmets, as well as a
football. To play a game of hockey, you need at least 12 sets
of sticks and skates and hockey equipment. These are all
expensive propositions. To play a game of basketball, you need
a net in addition to a ball. But note that due to basketball
being less financially demanding, it has risen in
popularity throughout the world. For soccer, you need a ball
among 20-something participants. Note that the cost per
participant is extremely low.
Note that soccer fields are
extremely large. This indicates that real estate is dirt-cheap
where soccer is played. In more advanced countries, a
phenomenon known as indoor soccer has arrived. While much less
boring to watch or participate in than the traditional crap,
it also indicates that property is more precious due to
economic development of that culture.
Also, as one can see in the
truly impoverished areas of the world, you can make a soccer
ball out of various scraps of trash, and kick it around with
bare feet. One observes slum children in Brazil living
in trash heaps forming round objects from the debris strewn
around their front yard. Most of the world can't afford to
play real sports, so they participate in soccer instead.
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| 3.
The dreadfully slow pace of soccer appeals to the dimwitted. One
observes data indicating that protein consumption per capita is
highest in North America. Protein consumption is necessary for the
healthy development of young minds. Soccer barely registers in
terms of popularity in North America. For further proof, let us
note that over 42% of Nobel Laureates are from North America. Note
that since 1920 (when sports in general became popular), over half
all Nobel Laureates have come from North America. Because the
large amount of protein deficiency that occurs throughout the
world, a large proportion of the world's population are dimwitted. |
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| 4.
As with stagnant pace of soccer, the lack of suspense in
soccer also appeals to the dimwitted. The goal in many sports is
simple - cross a goal line or base, put something in a basket or
net. With sports, there is a progression when such a goal is
achieved as two opposing forces compete - paralleling in some ways
the drama of a story. In football, a drive progresses down the
field, until one side is victorious in battle and either stops the
drive or completes it with a score - the suspense usually builds
as the drive progresses down the field. In basketball, the drama
builds as the team penetrates and kicks out. In hockey, the drama
builds as a defense can't recover from a mistake in their own
zone. In baseball, the suspense builds with every new runner on
base. In soccer, what suspense is there? None, because scoring
chances are infinitesimal. Every pitch in baseball offers a chance
at a run, but the probabilities of a hit happens over a quarter of
the time - so one cannot safely discount this. In football, every
play offers the possibility of scoring. And while a small number
of plays are scoring plays, they contribute to scoring drives. And
the probability of this happening is probably around 40%. In
hockey and basketball, every shot offers a scoring chance. In
basketball, the probability is above 40%, while in hockey it is
just under 10%. And while hockey's probabilities are lower, the
speed of the game lends itself to the suspense of whether a
scoring attempt will be successful. Soccer offers boredom. The
probabilities of scoring in soccer on any given kick are remote,
which perhaps explains the feigned apoplexy involved with that
annoying broadcaster screams "goal." What are the
probabilities of a soccer participant scoring on any given
possession? They are remote enough where you can safely discount
it. Why else do we see so many 0-0 ties? |
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| 5.
Soccer appeals to Joe Sixpack, since soccer doesn't require
athletic talent or advanced motor skills. Soccer appeals to the
average and to the below average. Thus, it has an instant
constituency for its popularity. Too weak or slow to play
football? Participate in soccer. Too short or slow to play
basketball? Participate in soccer. Lack the hand-eye coordination
necessary to hit a baseball or the agility to stickhandle thru
traffic? Participate in soccer. Lack basic motor skills?
Participate in soccer. |
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6. Soccer appeals to the
downtrodden, whose only hope in life is to win the lottery - a
random event. Soccer is a random, arbitrary activity; this
provides its appeal. Consider the nature of a
"shootout" in soccer. Unlike hockey, where a
goaltender has a chance on most shots, the spectacle of the
"shootout" in soccer is nothing more than the
simplest flipping of a coin. The goalie guesses one way and
leaps in that direction, simply guessing where the shooter
will shoot. I propose that instead of the current method of
"shootout," we create a more exciting method. First,
arm the goalie and the shooter with a six-shooter, with one
chamber filled with a bullet. The referee ensures randomness
by spinning the chamber. A random coin toss determines who
shoots first. The team whose participant is lucky enough to
pull the trigger when his pistol's chamber is not empty - they
win, providing that the opponent is killed. It actually
requires more skill, since the human target is much smaller
than the soccer net. It also has the added benefit of
appealing to the soccer fan's bloodlust.
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soccersucks.net
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